by Joel M. Traylor
Let me tell you another story about Leroy Clyde. As you know, Leroy Clyde did not fuck around, and he especially did not fuck around back in the day. Now you also know about how the Space Time Vortex deposited all sorts of shit from all throughout space and time all over our lovely planet of Zaxon 7, and a lot of that shit was still alive. Well, this story is about our friend Leroy running into one of the scariest pieces of shit that Zaxon 7 has ever seen.
So one day Leroy Clyde is walking from his house to the Dust Town train station, as he has a poker game over in Clintonville that he wasn’t about to miss, when he hears a roar. Old Leroy looks up to see one of the largest and scariest predators the universe has ever known walking down the street toward him: a goddamn Tyrannosaurus Rex. And it looks pissed.
The T-Rex sees him and studies him with its beady little eyes, almost like it’s trying to decide just what Leroy Clyde might taste like. But just then, some dumb woman walks out of a nearby store and screams. And gulp! Just like that the T-Rex chomps down and eats her.
Leroy watches this poor woman’s legs kicking around, scraps of her polka dot dress flying everywhere, and he knows that – just like him – the T-Rex is not fucking around. It throws its head back, and the woman’s legs disappear down its throat. One of her red pumps hits the dusty road, and Leroy realizes that he spent the night with her just a week prior. Damn if he can’t remember her name.
The T-Rex stares at Leroy Clyde, and Leroy Clyde stares right back. And then, quick as a whip, the bastard dinosaur lunges at our hero, mouth open wide, its gigantic teeth going every which way.
But Leroy Clyde isn’t ready to get eaten just yet. He steps to the side, and he punches that goddamn T-Rex right in its goddamn face!
“Suck on that,” Leroy says.
The creature rears its head back and roars, and Leroy grabs his laser rifle off his back. He pushes back the brim of his hat, lines up the shot and blasts the ugly monster right in the eye. While the laser doesn’t kill it, it pisses it off even more, probably beyond all measure and reason. The T-Rex charges Leroy Clyde, and Leroy Clyde dances to its blind side. Confused and still running, the T-Rex tears down the street past Leroy’s house. As most of you probably know, Leroy lived right at the end of the deadliest dead end street of them all: on the edge a three-mile-high cliff. Needless to say, that was the end of that goddamn Tyrannosaurus Rex.
In case you’re wondering, Leroy Clyde did make it to his poker game on time. He even managed to bluff ten large off of a five-eyed Xindar with a two-seven-off-suit. While the universe didn’t always deal Leroy Clyde the best of hands, he always made the most of them.